How the Republicans could do health care reform

August 1–


How we might finally achieve a single payer health plan


Well, health care reform is dead. I know, they’re still debating it in Congress at this point, but any meaningful reform went out the window a while back, about the time that Barack Obama publicly said that he wouldn’t implement a single payer plan (after championing it as a candidate and a senator).


Now I hear noises on the Internet about possibly making us all buy into a health insurance plan. If this is what we’re heading for, I’d have personally rather had no “reform” at all.


In my opinion, private health insurance companies are the problem, not the solution. It’s the insurance companies that are denying people care, retroactively cancelling people’s policies after they rack up hospital bills, and then taking the money they’ve made off sick and dying people and using it to pay off politicians. 


Read my lips: If you’re not pissing off the insurance companies, it’s not really health care reform.


Imagine that you live in a small town, with only one road out of town. On the road out of town is a band of robbers. Everyone has to leave town eventually, and when they do, the robbers come and take everything they have.


The people of this town are frightened of the robbers and they go to the sheriff and ask for help. “Please get rid of the robbers!” they cry.


So the sheriff rides out of town on his horse and meets the robbers. Does he shoot them? No. Arrest them? Hardly. Instead, he claps them on the back like old buddies and says, “Hey there, you guys need to be nicer to people coming out of town, you know. I’m starting to hear complaints.” 


And the robbers say, “Sure, thing, sheriff, don’t you worry about nothing, we’ll be real nice to everyone who comes by.”


And then the sheriff rides into town and says, “Everything’s all better now!”


(You do get this parable, right? The town is life. The road out of town is death. The robbers are the insurance companies. The sheriff is the president.)


What the people in the town really want is for the sheriff to gather up a posse, ride out of town and string those robbers up. Or at least arrest them and charge them with a crime. (But we’ve waited for justice so long that I think a few of us would enjoy a good hanging in this case.)


But noooooo. No one’s going to touch the insurance companies. They have way too much money to throw around for that. Sick people don’t have a lot of extra cash lying around to hand to politicians.


And if they require us to buy into a health insurance policy?! Isn’t that like inviting the same robbers into town and forcing the people to give them their money? Like refusing to arrest them wasn’t enough?!


So here’s what we should do. Health care reform simply won’t happen under a Democratic president. We need a Republican to pass it.


Yeah, you heard right.


Consider how “welfare reform” played out. Republicans bitched about welfare mothers for years. Reagan acted like he’d turn ’em all out into the street. But he didn’t, because it would have been a bad PR move. Democrats would have jumped all over him. I’m sure Bush #1 would have done welfare reform, too, but he would have had the same problems. It took Bill Clinton, a freaking Democrat, to actually implement welfare reform.


See, the Democrats didn’t want to diss “their” president, or make it look like they didn’t support him–they were just so happy to have a Democrat in office, that they were ready to give him a pass on just about anything he did, even if it meant taking financial support away from a bunch of little kids. 


Clinton talked a lot about the deficit when he mentioned welfare reform, like the deficit had anything to do with it (psss–it was all about making women stay with their men no matter what, or suffer the consequences…)


So let’s imagine some Republican becomes President. Let’s pretend Sarah Palin gets the job, even though she probably wouldn’t ‘cuz she’s just a little too right wing–but she makes a good looking mental image. Besides, as a mom and a prolifer, she might be sympathetic.


She could start talking up health care reform in different terms than what has been used in the past. She could start talking about prolife issues, because after all, how are women going to have babies and take care of them if there’s no health care available? 


She could imply that the private health insurance industries are actually a bunch of “socialist” monsters who want to abort all the babies and kill all the old people and sick people by denying them care. (And the last part of that sentence is already totally true! If you deny care to old and sick people, what do you think is going to happen to them?)


If she tried, she could probably find a connection between Al Qaeda and the insurance companies. (“Look at this! The vice-president of Blue Cross’s wife’s brother married a woman who once went to college with Osama bin Laden’s third cousin!!”) She could start implying that they’re terrorists. Then she could talk about how many patriotic red-blooded Americans have been callously murdered by bearded Islamofascists masquerading as insurance agents.


Then she could point some fingers and claim (again, with some truth) that the Democrats have been colluding with these criminals, allowing them to kill American citizens and steal all their families’ wealth.


Then, finally, after all this, plus some well-timed media blitz about the “insurance terrorists”, she could implement a plan…a nice simple plan that would deliver us from Democrats, socialists, and terrorists, by taking the whole game away from them. Her plan could involve a compassionate American system that creates one agency to pay doctors and hospitals, cutting out mountains of red tape, saving money, and guaranteeing every American should have a decent amount of health care. 


Americans love simple solutions. We get tired of long, complicated government schemes that end up screwing us in the end, and sometimes it seems that the more complicated something is, the more likely it is to end up being some kind of scam at our expense. Ya know, how like, when someone wants to sell you something you don’t need, they start talking really fast and try to confuse you into buying it? Smart people don’t fall for that crap. That’s why we start tuning out politicians who sound like they’re trying to sell us something.


I’m not a Republican by any means, so don’t think I’m wishing for them to be back in office, but if things in general keep being this bad and the Democrats can’t bring themselves to make any meaningful change, they’ll be out of there in 2012. (Hint hint–stuff is happening, y’all! This is not the time in history to play it safe! Do something or get out of the game!) 


So, Sarah, or whoever….please consider this. We need someone with balls enough (or eggs enough) to ride out of town and dispense some real justice. Who’s up for it?



One response to “How the Republicans could do health care reform

  1. Your logic is faulty. I don’t buy the premise. It is wrong. It is a simple fix free enterprize. Let the free market take care of the problem.

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